The Sling Diaries Vol. 5: All The Love - "Vision"

I've never been much of a "dream it, do it" type of person. I've spent much of my life riding on coattails of people I deemed cleverer, smarter, and more creative than me, never giving myself much credit or much space in which to dream big dreams. High school was this crazy realm that swept me up and mixed me in with the masses; I aspired to do wild, free-spirited things: move to the UK, live in a studio apartment in London, barely make ends meet, but fall in love with kindred artsy spirits and get lost in that world. I was going to live simply, but beautifully. However, growing up in the Midwest with practical parents and practical expectations, a sense of practicality has always clouded the booming and sometimes quiet desires within my heart. I never gave much weight to these dreams because I was always encouraged to aim smaller, to be content, to be 'smart'.

So, the many lives I envisioned for myself washed themselves away.

I wouldn't say that "people were right", that being practical is always the answer, but my vision for my future has changed in very big ways since my 16 or 17 year old self began dreaming of adulthood. The reality is that you don't always get to be the sweet, bohemian girl in the movies. Sometimes you don't escape to "the big city" and meet a beautiful, deeply-emotive, dark-eyed poet/musician and fall in love under ecclectic Anthropologie-esque linens. Sometimes falling in love looks a bit different. Sometimes real life is paying the bills, wiping snotty noses, and ducking out quietly, hair askew and black leggings marked with peanut-butter-hand-prints, while the sitter distracts kiddos so you can grab coffee with parent-friends instead of braving Indie-folk shows at some hip downtown scene with a Hollywood-esque group of friends, a theme-song playing as we whip our heads back and laugh in unison.

But...sometimes when the seasons change and I feel a tug on my heart, I sometimes wonder if we could ever do it: if we could pack up our lives and move somewhere crazy and beautiful and out-of-the-ordinary. A place where all of my younger-self's visions could become a reality.

But of all of the dreams I've envisioned in the confines of my mind, the dreams that include my husband and sons are the most vivid--the ones that feel the most real, the most tangible. My visions for our future, for their future, for Andrew's and my future after they've grown are never the same and change with the weather, it seems...but they always grip me at the core and give me hope and excitement, mixed with a little anxious anticipation. But...I couldn't tell you where we'll be 15 years from now; I couldn't even tell you where we will be three years from now.

The truth is, there are those with great visions for their futures who set out to conquer that mountain and they do it...and that's freaking great. But what of those of us whose free-spirtedness cloud our sense of direction and are as fickle as the shifting winds? It's not that we don't have a vision for our future, or that we don't have bravery or self-sufficient determination that can overcome great adversities, but we move with the wind and waves, ever-changing...and that's pretty freaking great too. My visions are fluid and although I will forever live with "what if"s I will also always live with "it shall be"s. Whatever will come shall come, if you will.

I guess, for now, I choose practicality, I choose family, I choose a home in the humble Midwest. My dreams are not discounted and if someday we wind up sailing across the sea to a new life of Hollywood-like adventures and I hear a catchy, instrumental theme song playing in the back of my mind, I will know that it was meant to be. But...if kissing bumps and bruises and singing my own lullaby-theme-song as I rock a sweet baby or grandbaby back to sleep in our Midwest home becomes my long-term reality, I will know that I am right where I was intended to be--that this is surely the vision that stuck. And...that visions are just visions sometimes and time passes with or without our approval and life lands us smack-dab where we are meant to be. And right now? It's here. In the Midwest. With my two boys and charming husband. It's boring...and beautiful.

I'm wearing Dexter in a Sakura Bloom Simple Silk in 'Malbec'.