Thoughts On Willpower + 8/52

Some thoughts on willpower (or lack there of).

I spend most days in a disheveled two-day-old top-bun and less-than-fresh yoga pants or leggings, balancing big kid things and baby things. Stuck under a breastfeeding babe, my big boy eagerly calls for me to help him fill his water bottle. I, trying to grasp hold of my sanity by thinning wire, bark orders as a wriggling, overly-tired infant moans angrily in my ear. Then, after the long, strenuous day of yelling and quarreling, trying to piece things together, I look at my sleeping five-year-old and whisper pleas of "Don't hate me for how I've acted today. Tomorrow will be a better day." ...And sometimes they are, but sometimes there are lengthy spans of days spent fighting and yelling and shutting down, wishing I felt pretty or strong or...human.

I could lie and say that being a mother of two is a cake-walk, a rewarding and ever-pleasant cake-walk, but the truth is that it's damn near impossible sometimes. I'm exhausted and grouchy and disgusted with myself on the regular, and not just because I sport a greasy mop, four-day-worn maternity leggings (yes, still), or 20 extra pounds of pregnancy weight (yes, still again), but because I almost never feel like the mother I imagined I would be. Despite the fact that my mom is a wonderful mother and my very best friend, as I entered motherhood, I said the same things all new or expecting mothers say: "I'm going to do things differently than my mom did," or "I will be an ever-kind and gentle mom that does crafts and willingly plays with them 24/7." But, I miss the mark on a regular basis, and I beat myself up and vow to make the following day a better one.

I spend a lot of time dreaming of the future, of owning a house, of being healthier, of being happier, of being well-dressed, and being the mother-of-my-dreams. I live in this place of expectancy, shirking my tasks and responsibilities now while fabricating my "ideal" in the vast spaces of my conscious thoughts.

But the truth is that I waste so much time moping and wishing and dreaming that I let beautiful opportunities pass me by. I need to tap into the place in my mind that allows myself grace, but also realizes the importance of healthy life choices to raise myself and my household up. Instead of getting angry at not being able to control each situation, I need to accept things for what they are; realize their beauty and significance...and move on. It's okay that my home doesn't look like something out of a page from Pinterest, or that my boys aren't always dressed in the highest-priced children's clothing, or that my blueberry pancakes don't look like the photo from the recipe. It's okay that I'm still in my maternity clothes for now, but that doesn't mean I can't strive to do better, to be better. And, really, that's what I'm getting at. We all deserve a little grace, to have those moments of weakness where we put our children in front of the TV for hours (or days), to grouch about our appearance, or about our lives not being magazine-quality. However, willpower is what drives us to take those gross moments where we doubt ourselves and the jobs we are doing and reverse it and improve.

I want to be a better mother, so...I need to get off my phone, spend more time playing, less time yelling.
I want to love my home, so...I need to quit comparing it to the homes of others.
I want to love my body and the way I look, so...I need to quit ordering pizza three times a week and start moving.
I want to be a better wife, so...I need to love myself and my life so that my words and actions directly express the state of my heart.
I want to be happy, so...I need to eliminate those thoughts of guilt and disappointment in myself, move forward, and just be happy.

So, here's to some changes around this joint. Here's to me being a better, happier human being so that I can be the mom, wife, self that I want to be.

Cheers.

And as for week 8/52...

ISO 160, f1.4, 1/400

ISO 160, f1.4, 1/640

7/52

So, a cold comparable to the plague struck our house this last week. Okay, so maybe that is a little dramatic, but it's been bad. Like...snot-stained shirts, mega fevers, 14 million night-time awakenings, 12 gallons of hot tea and raw honey, non-stop nursing sessions, cough-through-the-night fits...bad. First, it was just the boys, then I fell prey. Now? The husband is sick. It's pretty much been like this for a week and a half. Brutal.

I'm feeling about 80%, however! So, our house is finally starting to look like a house and less like a scene from a post-apocalypse-themed film. Dexter is pretty much back to normal, but Oliver is still battling a wicked cough and a fever that comes and goes.

This week has been the first time this winter that I've actually felt a huge and very real longing for Spring. I mean, I typically whine about the cold and snow around this time of year, but it isn't until you're sick in bed, but still have to get up to take care of two kids that you start to really plead and pray for warmer temperatures. But, God, being the amazing and loving King that He is, totally sent us a few days of 30-50 degree temps. He knows the cry of my heart and brings strength to the weak, that's for sure.

So, anyway. I am way late, but here is week 7/52. Cheers.

ISO 160, f1.4, 1/160
ISO 160, f1.4, 1/1250

6/52

I'm posting earlier than usual (and cheating just a wee bit by using a photo from a "shoot" I already shared). This week has been quite uneventful, but I've definitely been taking more initiative to grab my DSLR to snap photos of the kiddos, which has been refreshing.

Despite my best efforts to look and sound hip and trendy and like my life is super eventful, I am seriously boring. We got a Costco membership this week--is that noteworthy? Probably not.

It's really silly because we have months and months until our trip to California, but I've been spending my days searching through pages of clothes and accessories I'd like to buy for while we are out there. Which has brought me to a new project I'd like to tackle on the blog: weekly favorites. I'm thinking it would be really fun for me to share just a few "favorites" each week, from makeup or skin care products to music, movies, books, or just general neat things I pick up, have already that I use on a regular basis and I feel are worth mentioning, things on my ever-expanding "wish-list", and things I'm loving about my boys and life as a whole. I'll probably include photos of said favorites, but for now...

I'm loving:
Chicken and Charlie bandana bibs 
(Pictured on Dex in this post and the previous one as well.)
Ray Ban Clubmaster sunglasses 
(Totally on my "must-buy-for-CA" list. Yes, I have one of those.)
Josie Maran Argan Oil 
(My skin is so plump, healthy, and "glowing" in the mornings, but I haven't decided if my recent break-outs are because of the oil or something else. The verdict is still out.)
Happy Yogis 
(Seriously, Dex's favorite snack--I bought eight bags on Amazon. Eek.)
Butter London nail polish in "British Racing Green"
(The best green there ever was.)
Buying secondhand Bobo Choses/Mini Rodini on IG
(I'm still insane and spend way too much, but I feel a little better that the price is a fraction of the retail price.)
Making my own ranch dressing
(So easy and so much better than store-bought!)
Eucalyptus EOs
(We've been battling colds, so our go-to has been a locally-made "Vicks" ointment for Oliver.)
Buxom Lip Polish in "Debbie"
(Seriously, such a vibrant, coral-y pink, I love that it's tingly and plumping. It's been my go-to for my lips the last week.)
30 Rock
(Because, I mean...who doesn't love Liz Lemon?)

So, there you have it. But I'm going to wrap this very boring, uninspiring, non-profound post up with two very different black and white images of Dex & Ollie for week 6/52. Here's to next week having more adventure! Cheers. x

ISO 250, f1.4, 1/250

ISO 400, f1.4, 1/500

An Introvert's Day Out.

Today, I stepped out of my comfort zone and (gasp) spent time with two other photographer mamas I don't know very well! We spent the morning drinking coffee and taking photos of our littles in one of their beautiful downtown studios. One of them I've met before and talked to over Instagram and Facebook, but we've never actually gotten together and introduced our boys, however, the other was a friend of hers I didn't know. Now, to the average bear, this probably sounds like lunacy. I probably sound like a sad, sorry shut-in, but the truth is, as a full-time stay-at-home-mom (for the last 5+ years, mind you), this whole "making friends" business can be tricky! (and scary!)

I'm very picky about who I spend my time with, mainly because it takes a lot of time and effort to get myself and my kiddos ready and out the door to do anything and typically...if it involves me feeling out-of-my-comfort-zone even the slightest bit, I don't consider it worth the hassle. It's funny how a few years can change you from a once social butterfly to shy and introverted.

I definitely over-analyze myself and my words, worrying how I will sound on the receiving end. I'm a people-pleaser by nature, so I find my inner dialogue to be that of self-scrutiny and filtration. It's easier to stay quiet than to let my verbal diarrhea get the better of me.

Anyway, more to the point. I had fun. Oliver had fun. Outings like these cause me unbelievable anxiety, but once I'm there and all is said and done, I almost always feel refreshed and encouraged. It's all about the people you choose to spend your fleeting moments of free-time with. These mamas and their beautiful kiddos were such a delight and I can't wait to do it again.

Here are some of the photos I took of Dex while we were there!

Cheers.

5/52 (& Photography/Personal Goal Frustrations).

I know I should be proud of the fact that I've even kept up with this 52 week project and have managed to take somewhat beautiful and sentimental family photos, but sometimes I feel a little disappointed because I've totally just been pushing off taking photos until "Oops! Today is the last day of the week! I should probably snap a few photos of the boys quick!". I so desperately want to feel inspired, to see moments and preserve the authentic beauty of them. I want them to be real, raw, and emotive. But...winter and my annual "stale streak" has its icy grip on me. I'm sluggish, grumpy, and unmotivated 6 out of 7 days of the week. Sometimes I'm all of those things all of the days of the week. I used to be so excited, so unbelievably giddy about photography. About capturing my children in a beautiful and artful way, about preserving life moments for friends, family, and complete strangers. My heart soared as I clicked through photos on my camera window, playing back all of the moments that I was so eager to get home and edit and rave about.

I've never been one to stick with anything. I've always thrown the towel in on every task, project, class, group, club, sport I've ever tried.

You know the saying "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."? Well, when the stars don't align and a choir of angels doesn't descend, singing the praises of my work, I get frustrated. So, often I look through the work of my favorite photographers, nudging my husband, saying "See! This is what I wish my photography looked like! Look how effortlessly raw and emotive these images are! If only I had this lens or that body, I could be successful in my endeavors.". And...maybe I will never take photos as beautiful as this photographer or that photographer, and even though the quitter inside of me screams at me to put down the camera, go to the kitchen, and pour myself some wine (a quart jar full), I push on.

Being a wife and a mom are the two tasks at the forefront of my mind that I never consider giving up on. I know that, even on my hardest days, being a mom is my life's calling. I feel it in every fiber of my being--every quake of gut-laughter, every kiss, every snuggle, every heartache, and every tear I've wiped from their plump, pink cheeks. Before I was a mom, I thought I was destined to always wander, to always start and eventually quit every single thing I ever started. I thought I'd spend my days wondering who I was, what my direction would be, where my passion would lie. When the quiet room filled with the charge of Oliver's first cry, my heart combusted and settled gently all at once. The stars aligned, for once in my life.

And...even though photography makes me want to scream and cry and throw a great fit, it is a perfect secondary to my first priority, because...my greatest subjects are my little hearts do evoke emotions. Our moments are raw and authentic. And...although I'm always learning and growing in the world of photography, I know that each click of my shutter, each "failed" attempt at capturing images in the way that I so desperately strive to are complete successes. Because our life is imperfect, a learning experience, a journey, a winding road. I won't look back at these images and think "Well, if I'd have shifted so that the light was coming from here..." or "If only I had invested in a better lens..." or "I wish this one had a little more of a 'film quality'...". I will say "I'm so thankful I used my camera to the best of my ability to capture my growing boys just as I saw them in that moment.". After all, isn't that the point? To capture fragments of time to remember and adore?

And maybe I will feel a little more motivated to break out the camera a little more often, instead of using my phone to snap quick, quirky Instagram photos. Maybe as these weeks go by, my work will transform as a result of my dedication. Maybe one day I will be one of those photographers whose work evokes raw emotion and a drive to improve and maybe one day my work will look exactly like I've always dreamed it would, but the only way to get there is to not quit for once in my life.

So, here's to another week of forgetting to take photos until the very last second, to improvement, to real life, to pushing forward.

(5/52)
ISO 400, f1.4, 1/500
ISO 400, f1.4, 1/250