4/52

This weekend has been restful and fun, but our house is begging for me to set my lazy ways aside to tend to it. Dexter slept in until after 10am two days in a row. It's a bloomin' miracle! Andrew's sister came to stay with us for the weekend as well, which has been great for Oliver; she's 18 which means she is the fun, energetic aunt that never says 'no' to his pleas for piggy-back rides and stories. She slept in Oliver's twin-sized bed while he slept on a cot next to her. It was a dream-come-true for him, and she was a huge help. She was sweet and eager to do anything I threw at her, including trying Indian food at our favorite local spot! (She loved it, by the way).

This week has been better for me, stress-wise. The few things that had been eating away at me since my last post have been forfeited. I'm a clingy thing. I cling to loved ones, cling to my dreams of 'what should be', and rarely let loose slack, which is an issue I'm forced to deal with all the time. I'm very much a 'I can't accept this because it's not exactly as it should be!' type person, trying desperately to be the type of person who rolls with the punches and accepts things and people and circumstances for what they are.

For instance, I had envisioned my relationship with my dad being something so much more/different than it is. I wanted to be loved, to be cherished, to be a priority to him like he has been to me for so many years, but the reality is that he neither loves me nor chooses me as a priority in his life. It's taken years and fountains and rivers of tears to reach the point I'm at now: a point of acceptance. To be able to look at my father, accept that he is not who I need him to be and who I want him to be, that he will never change, and then to turn away and run like mad in the opposite direction. Not because I hate him or because I'm furious I can't control him, but because I know in my heart things will not change, he will not change. To protect my heart, and because I have, in fact, accepted this truth, I run.

It's true, however, in all of our relationships in life. We expect our spouses to sing our heart song, to read our minds, to do the unthinkable, to climb mountains, and to jump from atop them to make us happy, satisfied. We wish that our mothers-in-law were more accepting, less meddling, more like a friend than an enemy. We expect our friends to never falter, to never fail us, to be there for us through everything, even though we move in different currents, different storms...from which all of us need rescue and refuge, and sometimes our storms align with the storms of the ones we rely on and they cannot be there to throw us a life saver, to pull us from crashing waves.

We expect our kids to listen, to understand, to love us at all times, to grow in the direction from which we bring the sun, to transform into the people we desire for them to be. But they don't. Not always. We're all wild weeds, untamed by the hands of other men. Our struggles don't define us, but they push us and pull us. Our hearts sing different tunes...tunes even our loved ones can't hum off the top of their heads all the time. We can't change them, we can't change it.

So, we push on. We accept (the best we can), we fight and struggle, kissing and holding one another.

I'm choosing to paddle onward. Knowing full well I will reach rougher waters and knowing I can't always expect everyone to be there in a life boat, whisking me away to calmer seas. Sometimes, we fight on our own. Not because we don't have people who love us, but because sometimes we just have one paddle, and no one can fix those problems that are ours and ours alone.

It's been like that. If you catch my drift. I have to direct my sails so that I can sail on, not always relying on everyone and everything around me to do it for me.

Sometimes we have to be survivors.

(4/52)

P.S. For some reason, I cannot for the life of me figure out how to post portrait photos on my blog without them looking like grainy rubbish. Note to self: landscape photos next week so that I don't give myself a migraine trying to fix the look of my photos.

3/52

This week, I feel totally stale. I've been feeling just very low and mopey, so trying to capture my boys in an artistic and beautiful way throughout the day has been challenging. I've been scraping by just enough. Survival mode. I haven't been feeling very inspired and sentimental, and I'm sure it has a lot to do with the weather. Or maybe with the fact that we rarely leave the confines of our little two bedroom dwelling. It could be that Andrew has been stressed which rubs off on me, or that Oliver is stir crazy and driving me to drink, or even the fact that Dexter has sworn off solid chunks of sleep for good. All of those things have mixed and fused and turned into this hot steaming turd that is my every day life as of late.

How's that for mellow dramatic?

Nonetheless, that's January for you. It just so happens that Oliver's and my birthday land in this stale, unexciting, frigid month

And the fuse to my temper is shorter than ever. For instance, I just took a brief intermission to eat Indian takeout with Oliver for the 533rd time this month and shouted at him to "JUST SIT DOWN AT THE TABLE AND EAT!" with perhaps more colorful language than that. Why? Because as I was dishing up, Dexter got his fingers caught in a (yes, non-baby-proofed) bottom kitchen drawer. My fuse is short, my friends. Send sunshine and California temps STAT! Better yet, book us one-way tickets there.

What if I say please? Maybe even a pretty please?

(3/52)

New Makeup.

So, I'm not going to overwhelm the blog with too many makeup posts, but I got a few neat things for my birthday and felt like sharing my thoughts on the few products I've tried out this last week.

I found out that you receive a free gift from Sephora during your birthday month, so when I went in on my birthday to use the $50 gift card my dear mum got me, I was pleasantly surprised!

(These are things I use on a regular basis, and also things I've already talked about. I'm going to touch base on the few things pictured above I haven't talked about.)

First, my new Sephora Mineral Powder brush (45). $24
I knew I needed a new multi-purpose face brush, so I stood there running my hand over all of the brushes, testing them out on the back of my hand, and holding them as I would if I were to apply powder or blush to my face about a hundred times. I finally settled on this brush, and here's why: It is unbelievably soft, it's stiff, but not too stiff. It's a decent size for applying powder all over my face, but is still small enough to be precise with my blush. Ideally, I will eventually have a larger face brush and a more angled and precise blush brush, but for $24, this brush is exactly what I need it to be. It feels great in my hand and on my face, holds product very well, and applies evenly and easily. I had an old, run-down Sonia Kashuk face brush I had bought at Target years ago that I was still using daily, so this is like a smooth, soft, fluffy dream compared to the stiff, old, pokey bristles of my old brush. A new brush does wonders for even application. I love it.

Second, the Tarte Maracuja Creaseless Concealer in "Fair". $25
I struggle with acne on the sides of my face, mainly where my hair lays against my cheeks by my ears. I have a lot of scarring as well as new breakouts every now and then. It is my problem area and I have spent a lot of time and money trying to find a concealer that was both full coverage and non-greasy. I need something that won't make me break out even more than I already am, so when I came across Tarte, which is known for its "high performance naturals", I thought I'd give their concealer a try in hopes that it would help keep my skin clear as well as cover. Well, my friends, it is a dream. A literal dream. It is nice and tacky, so it covers generously. It stays on all day. I don't need to touch it up or worry about it wearing off. It applies really easily and makes me feel so confident. I'm even starting to believe that my skin is improving from using it. It's also great under my eyes to cover up my dark circles after a no-sleep night with Dexter. Though, I have to be careful about over-applying it under my eyes and not blending it out over my cheeks because after I apply a little blush, I get these wacky "raccoon eyes" and a defined line between my blushed cheek and very fair under-eye. It's finicky, so I've had to work at applying it perfectly. I just love this concealer. I don't feel a need to look any further for a concealer that works for my skin. My next purchase will be Tarte's foundation. If it works as well for me as their concealer, I'll be over-the-moon!

Third, Benefit Brow Zings in "Dark". $30
This is actually a product I've had for a while but haven't talked about previously. I love my brow zings. Love this product so, so much. I had been using (again) a Sonia Kashuk brow pencil before I discovered the world of brow zings. So far, I haven't purchased a ton of new, professional brushes, so for now I am still using the wussy little brushes that came in the brow zing kit. They work okay, but I can't wait to get a long-handled angled brush to use for applying my brows. Now, if you've never heard of brow zings, or if you are first starting to delve into brow-shapping, let me tell you what it's all about. There is a soft, darker-hued wax that you apply on your brows first with an angled brush. It adds a bit of pigmentation, but it's main purpose is to shape your brows and get them to lay flat and organized. It "defines" your brows so that when you fill them in, you know the exact shape. I have thick brows, so I tend to use more wax than I do the powder, for some reason. I guess my brows just need a bit more taming. Next, you use the other less-angled (though I'm sure you could just continue to use the same angled brush if you have one already or are planning on purchasing one like I am) to fill in the sparse areas in your brows. I just fill the brush up a bit and work in chunks along my brow, filling in from the inside to the outside. I spent a lot of time "shaping" the inner part of my brow, making it square or round or whatever your preference might be. This kit is so perfect. I have found that well-groomed (not overly plucked or waxed drag queen brows) and shaped eyebrows can make a look. Seriously! Since I've started doing my eyebrows, I have felt loads more confident and have started embracing my thick eyebrows. I think in the future, however, I might reach for the "Medium" colored kit, just because I feel like I can't build on my brows as much because the pigment is so dark. I'd like to be able to add more sometimes, but refrain because I don't want my eyebrows coming out looking super dark or "painted on".

Lastly, the Benefit "Birthday Turn-Ons" (They're Real! Mascara and Watt's Up! Highlighter). Freebie!
Okay, so these are the "freebies" I got from Sephora on my birthday! I haven't spent a lot of time experimenting with the Watt's Up! Highlighter, but this mascara is bomb. I still think that, because I have such naturally thick and long eyelashes, cheap-o mascaras will still do the trick for me! I think this mascara would be great for someone whose eyelashes aren't naturally full or long and I've heard amazing reviews from people about how well this product has worked for them. I really love the brush on this mascara and feel like it is a lot more liquidy and not as dry and pasty as, say, Maybelline mascaras, which is nice! I know this is one of the top mascaras out there, so I'm sure if upscale mascaras are something you like to have in your arsenal, this one would fit right in! As far as the highlighter goes, I am totally new to the world of highlighting. Like, totally new. I use very light, matte fleshy-colored eyeshadows to highlight my brow bone, under my eyes, and in the inner corner of my eyes, but I've never attempted to highlight my face in other places. I do feel like this product is a bit on the greasy side, so for us naturally greasy-faced ladies, I'm not sure if this is a hit. I can see what the point is and see how it makes a difference, but it is greasy to the touch and I notice it gives me a very shiny look in the places I use it. When and if I use this in my regular beauty regiment, I will probably be sure to skip the areas on my face that tend to get greasier more quickly.

So, that's that. My makeup review for the day. But, the big kid is being a punk, and my house is beckoning me to clean it. Hope this was helpful and hopefully I will have more posts in the future.

Cheers!

Entering the sixth year.

I have a sliver of time. The baby is sleeping and the big kid is running for Chinese take-out with Dad. exhale.

Today is Oliver's fifth birthday. Last night I made the mistake of reading "Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch. Oliver was bored of the repetitive, non-heroic, non-exciting pages, but my eyes filled with tears as I flipped through the book, thinking of the day that followed. The day that my four-year-old would turn five.

I've found myself whispering pleas to Dexter to "please not grow as quickly as Oliver has," with tears in my eyes. His smiling face looking up at me and I see flashes of Oliver's chubby baby-face within the curves of this sweet pudgy babe's cheeks.

I reach out, wanting to cradle Oliver, only to see in front of my outstretched arm a tall, boyish silhouette so unlike the silhouettes I've viewed in years past. His forth birthday was much less of an attack on my heart. There seems to be such a thin line between toddlerdome and childhood. I know he wasn't a toddler a day ago, but five-years-old seems so unbelievably old.

I remember feeling as if I was always going to have tiny littles sitting, crawling, and eventually running through the house, but as the years tick by and my boy grows taller, smarter, and more independent, the looming reality of childhood, the teenage years, and eventually adulthood become ever-present and ever-pressing. My heart feels heavy as I mark off yet another notch on the door frame. Another year, and I see how much he's grown. I run my fingers along the marks from the last few years, downward and downward. He's grown so much. Right in front of me, yet still an enigma. An unreal reality.

I know he's not grown. He's not packing up and moving out, but there's something so breathtakingly beautiful, exciting, yet profoundly sad about watching your babies grow from plump, cheeky infants to stretched, scarred, and boney. I run my hand along his back as he sleeps next to me on the couch and I feel each rib and vertebrae, trying to remember what it felt like as he kicked and punched inside of my body. I study his features, his courser, darker child-like hair and think back to when he was fresh and new. "Surely this child couldn't have grown inside me," I think, silently.

But he did.

And as much as I'd love to cling to him, he's growing outside of the walls of my body. Outside of my complete protection.

And he's beautiful. And strong. And intelligent. And funny. And creative. And I love him.

More now than I did yesterday. More now than I did at birth. My love grows with each passing day, so I suppose in that regard, his growth is lovely...mixed in with sadness.

Happy fifth birthday, Oliver Zachary. You brought me to life the moment your life was realized. You've forever changed me, awoken my heart.

"I love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."

(2/52)