Growing Pains.

I feel God in everything, but I really see His face and hear His voice when I look into the faces of my miraculous children. I could sing His praises all day for the rest of my days, thanking him for allowing me to be "mommy" to these two amazing boys.

“Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did - that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that - a parent's heart bared, beating forever outside its chest.” 
― Debra Ginsberg

Within the spaces of my heart, filled with immeasurable love, also lies a great sorrow as I think of my children growing and eventually leaving. Each new season brings so much joy and so much struggle. The last 6 years or so have changed me more than I could ever measure.

Growing pains. That's really the theme of my life, it seems. When my family grew to include my husband's family, it was painful, messy, and at times even internally violent. I didn't (and don't) like sharing my loved ones and my time with them. I selfishly clung to this past life that I had before marriage, unwilling to meet the eyes of these new people that I was now expected to spend holidays with, and eventually...share my children with.

Now, almost five years after becoming my husband's bride, I still have growing pains. In-laws are hard. Breaking tradition, forging your own, and keeping a family in-tact is delicate, difficult, and painful work. And...I know I'm not the only one that experienced the growing pains when I entered the family, so...it's a push and pull. We'll get there. This is but a season of growing pains that will eventually settle, mellow, and change from a fragile sapling to a matured and sturdy great white oak.

The same pains of growth can be found within the four walls of our warm, family home as well. As Oliver grows, my heart feels these strange and wild emotions, bordering grief and mourning and sheer excitement. I cannot wait to watch him grow, to run, to transform into this strong, unique person, but a huge part of me clings to the years spent snuggling beneath blankets, teaching him the simplest words, and kissing his sleeping face as his entirety relaxes into me--his safe haven, his strong fortress, his everything.

We'll be fine; it's always fine. We will find a balance in all things: familial relationships, traditions, and knowing when to hold on and when to let go of each stage of our children's lives. They are all relevant and intertwined. We learn when to push and when to let go when our children are going on five...and 25. It's this quiet, internal (but sometimes loud and boisterous) feral dance we all take part in. We thrash around, feeling joy and feeling pain, holding onto the past and reaching for the future.

And...although it hurts more than I can imagine, I'm glad that this life is mine. I'm glad these pains are my own. I get to be a part of something so huge, so magnificently great. I can't wait to feel these deep pains and joy all over again with my dear Dexter William as well.

Cheers.

Short & Sweet.

In an attempt to keep this bloggy ball rolling, I'm forcing myself to do more than my average novel-long posts. I'm really going to try to just update as often as I can (or as often as the littles will allow me, I should say). I pre-apologize if this post is all over the place and painfully boring. I'm rusty. So, here goes...

We are getting over a vast sea of illnesses after illnesses. We've had colds three different times already this Fall and Oliver, the poor bunny, ended up with a stomach bug on top of it all. Our laundry has piled up, the floors need a good scrub down, and don't even get me started on the state of our bathrooms. I can't give my all to everything, so I have been forced to make choices, and of course...snuggles trump scrubbing toilets.

With that said, we are planning on getting the house sorted this weekend and we are (gasp) going to decorate and set up the Christmas tree. Typically, we are the after-Thanksgiving-setter-uppers (not by my choosing, however) because obviously there can't be Christmas without the annual binge-fest that comes before it. However, this year, I am just really unsure of how long the tree will actually get to stand without grabby little baby mitts tearing at its prickly base. We are still strategizing. Plus, it was the husband's idea to set it up early this year! Music to a crazed early carol-singing, early cookie-making breaks-out-her-Christmas-sweaters-a-bit-too-soon mom's ears.

The holidays are my jam. I mean, big time. Baking, decorating, Christmas music, presents, twinkling lights. If it's wrapped in tinsel, wrapped with a bow, peppermint-flavored, or humming some over-played Christmas carol...I'm there. This year, we get to do the whole shebang with two babes. (I may already be going a little overboard on the 'wish lists' for the kiddos, but shhh, don't tell. It's Christmas)

So, here's to hoping that we are healthy and peppy for the yearly over-stuffing, over-buying, and over-glitzing. I hope that your "pre-holidays" are filled with the good stuff.

Cheers.

Contentment and Being a Mum.

It's been a while since I've posted (yes, again). Sick kiddos and The Vampire Diaries took precedence over timely blog posts. No, really, though...I've watched a sickeningly outrageous amount of The Vampire Diaries. I feel no shame. And...let's be honest: these blog posts take a great deal of time, energy, and creative juice, so I'm not one to force the "good stuff".

So, I guess since I've created a void in time and haven't spoken about anything lately, this post might contain many different trains of thought that might muddle together and sound like the ramblings of a lunatic. So, buckle up--hopefully this isn't too much of a train wreck. (Also, I wanted an excuse to share the unbelievably beautiful photos from our family session with Amie Hansen, so...there.)

Some thoughts that have been overflowing the spaces of my mind lately are that of two things, really: contentment and motherhood. Andrew and I have been spending a few weeks pouring over our budget and trying to reign in our spending and beginning to actually save for things we want, which is foreign soil to us. It's been a frustrating and rewarding battle so far. We are learning where our priorities truly rest and how to take hold of life and steer the best we can, placing stress on the things that matter and letting loose some slack on those that don't.

With that said, I am being taught a very profound lesson in contentment. Not allowing myself to splurge on everything and anything I want has taught me to cherish the things I save for and the things I already have. For instance, I am currently saving for a silk ring sling. I've been drooling over the Luxe slings for months and months, but after many heated conversations with myself, I've decided that a simple (possibly an essential?) silk is what we can afford right now and I am so close to having enough to purchase one. And that, my friends, is crazy exciting. I have a feeling it will be well worth the wait.

Instead of browsing pages upon pages of clothes, makeup, accessories, home decor, what have you...I have been making it a point to take a step back, breathe in my moments deeply, and focus on the insurmountable mountain of blessings that is already laid out in front of me. The sun rises and warms my face, the night brings rest, and the air brings peace. When I start to feel sorry for myself, or start to convince myself that I am in great need for some material 'thing', I cling to God's promises over my life. I am so blessed and am in want and need for nothing. My family stirs and awakens to a warm home where I can quietly prepare a breakfast fit for a king when others far away cry out in pain for mere crumbs from our plates.

My cup overfloweth with laughter, joy, and love. I can lay my head down each night with the love of my life resting his next to mine knowing full well that Jesus has his arms wrapped tightly around our slumbering children and around us as well. Our bills get paid, our mouths get fed, and we have more than enough, friends.

I'm training myself to dig down to that place of contentment where I don't need to have the best of the best, where I stop comparing my life to the life of strangers on the internet and people I speak to on a regular basis. My struggles are no one's but my own, our life is as unique as the hardships and high-points within it. I'm learning to shrug off the negativity of judgement from the world that surrounds the bubble that is our family. With contentment and paving our own path comes the ability to know that we are human and we are figuring this out, and not allowing the harshness of others and their views to cripple us.

Lately, as I've been soul-searching and digging into these deep spaces in my heart and rewiring my brain, I've also brought to light a lot of empowering truths. How we spend (or don't spend) our money and what things are placed high as priorities are just as unique as the people who assign them. Meaning, I might value afternoons and evenings at home, wrapped in the warmth of my family, having the ability to have my husband be home to be the father that he wants (and I want him) to be over a hefty number in my bank account. This is true with motherhood as well.

Just because I choose to stay home full-time, does not mean that I 'lose myself in my children'. It also does not mean that I have any right (nor desire) to judge the mothers who have to work. Our paths are all imperfect, winding, jagged, and often times...just what we need them to be. Our passions become our priorities, and how we choose to spend money, how to parent, how to interact, etc. become so very evident in who we are and are our choices and ours alone.

You don't have to re-write history, but you don't have to follow in your mother's/friend's/sister's exact footprints as you venture down the road of motherhood/adulthood. Wouldn't it be just so boring if all of our stories were the exact same? With that said, I believe deeply that each mum deserves the chance to mother in her own, unique way. She deserves to be praised and loved and encouraged, not trampled on, judged, and looked down upon. We take pieces from the pages of our parents' book of life lessons and we mold them and change them and sprinkle some cussing glitter on them, because darn it...these are our stories, our children, and our lives.
So, let's quit pushing and start lifting. Lifting each other up, empowering each other, and move forward knowing that our priorities are our priorities. You will spend your money how you see fit, and I will do the same. You will feed your child organic, free-range beef while that mother over there smuggles fruit loops to hers.

Let's just be content in our own lives, mamas. We are blessed beyond reason and this is our time to set our feet firmly on our beautifully unique path down motherhood and run like hell. Take hold, let go. Dance wildly, sit calmly. It's your choice. Feel empowered. We are all doing a fine, fine job.

Cheers, lovelies.