Out with the old, in with the new.

It's New Years Eve and we are ringing in the new year the only way we know how: popcorn, ice cream, and kid movies with the littles.

My birthday is on Thursday, Oliver's on Sunday. I've been using every ounce of brain power to piece together the perfect vintage carnival/circus-themed party for him that I swear if I see another red and white striped party item, I might lose my mind. We aren't having his party until the 19th, thank goodness, but I've been Etsy shopping like mad, trying to peg down fun, yet do-able (for 4-5 year olds) carnival games, snacks, decorations, goodie bags, and a craft. I've recruited some help from family members which may or may not prove to make me go grey in the hair quicker than if I'd just done everything on my own. Time will tell.

As we wrap up yet another year, I can't help but feel stereotypically nostalgic. This year has been so unbelievably good to us. My biggest little grew up before my eyes, transforming from this squishy, chubby-knuckled half-toddler, half-child to a full-fledged boy. He's unruly, feisty, stubborn, creative, imaginative, hilarious, intelligent, inquisitive, and has a memory like a bear trap. He keeps us on our toes, ages our tired 24-year-old bodies, and makes us gut-laugh on a regular basis.

This year, he learned what it meant to be a big brother, to have to share everything and everyone around you with this new person. He showed me tolerance and forgiveness as I frantically treaded water, attempting to breathe as I began this journey as a "mother-of-two". He started soccer, learned loads, made new friends, came out of his shell a bit, became more independent, and grew into this foreign long, lanky human. He stretches out and becomes taller and leaner with every passing day, I'm sure of it. This time last year, he was still begging to be carried everywhere we went. He learned to walk, to run, to explore on his own. It's been bittersweet.

We had a baby. We had a baby. We brought another unique, free-thinking, free-feeling human into this world and I still can't believe I carried him around and birthed him. It seems like a distant dream, but it also feels like it was just yesterday. Dexter has taught us so much. I remember thinking that there was no way I could love both he and Oliver equally or enough, but my heart has stretched to hold both boys nestled neatly in the largest spaces of its beating interior. Dexter brings me so much joy. My heart settles and rests in his presence. I breastfeed Dexter like I always wanted to with Oliver, and the bond it has formed between my sweet baby and I is undeniable. It could move mountains. My body cradled him in the womb and gently guided him into the world. I trusted and listened to my body, the guttural undertones of labor sounding throughout the room. I prayed and felt God's hands upon me as I closed my eyes and let my body bring forth this beautiful human. My heart is full.

Having two kids is challenging sometimes, but also the most rewarding, uprooting, soul-stretching experience I've ever had. I carried and brought forth two beautiful, remarkable humans. Men that will shape the world and will be used to create and refine some of the most beautiful things this world will ever hold, I'm sure of it. God has big plans for the two of them and I feel so blessed to be even a small fraction of the story that is unfolding.

This is their story, their legacy, and I will play a gentle concerto in the background if that's what they need, or I will carry them on my backs like Atlas if that is what they need in that moment. I will be their greatest ally and strongest advocate.

And although it saddens me that Oliver is so old now, that he doesn't need me as much as he used to, my heart soars at the thought of standing next to him, behind him, or in front of him as he walks through life shifting from childhood to manhood.

This next year brings so much hope. I can't believe how far we've come, what this year has done for us, and all that is in store for us. 2013 transformed our family of three into this beautiful and balanced family of four. I feel so content, so very "in-the-moment". I am in want of nothing. God has provided for us all year long and blesses our family in so many amazing, astounding, and glorious ways. I feel his presence in our life and in our home and I can't wait to see what lies ahead  on this winding path.

So, that's my mushy end-of-the-year post, and like all good New Year's posts, I have to end it with a few goals for the coming year:

1. I will pray and thank the Lord every day. I will pray earnestly and sincerely and frequently. I will give Him all the glory, because my life wouldn't be even half as beautiful if it wasn't for His hands working within it.
2. I will speak with gentleness and love toward my husband and sons.
3. I will hold onto my patience and when I feel that I'm about to lose it, I will call on the name of Jesus to fill me back up. I will not lose it on my kids, even when I'm tired or having a rotten day.

I have a few more of the "New year, new me" goals like healthy life choices, money management, organization, etc., but my top three are the ones worth mentioning.

Also, I am starting a new things this year: I'm going to be posting more often, I swear, but I will at the very least be posting a photo of each child, each week, for 52 weeks. I've seen other really talented mamas doing this and never felt good about starting so late in the year, so with that said, I'm making it a point to vow that "I will post once a week for the next year, even if it's just the two pictures accompanied by little to no text."

You read it here first, so here's to me keeping my word.

Happy New Years, folks! I hope you're spending the evening with the people you love, doing something you love. May 2014 bring you hope, joy, peace, and love.

(1/52)
Dexter's 7 month photo shoot and Oliver's homeschool preschool Christmas party. Playing a "Simon Says" type game.

A Makeup Post (Say What?).

So, the holidays are finally over and I feel like I can breathe again. I'm really terrible at multi-tasking when it comes to processing my thoughts, so this little blog of mine has been neglected while my mind has been possessed by Thanksgiving/Christmas prep, preschool, and birthday planning. Mostly Christmas, though. Christmas is so much work.

Santa (or my mom, husband, and mother-in-law) was good to me this year. I asked for makeup and makeup gift cards (MAC and Sephora) and was pleasantly surprised by my wonderful family's generosity. I've been trying to make a point of getting my frumpy mom-butt dolled up every day in an effort to lift my moods and make me feel more human/less cranky. Some sweet things I got this year (and totally recommend) are:

Urban Decay eye shadow palettes:
Naked 2
(Naked 2 is a taupe-themed eye shadow palette with loads to offer. It's versatile and very beautiful. I feel like I can create a lot of really unique and lovely looks with all of the different shadows included. With a lot of taupe and grey-hued shades, I feel like it compliments my pale-ish winter complexion. It'll totally rock in the summer too, so who am I kidding?! From the countless pages of reviews and tips on buying Naked palettes, I've found that this palette is the one that is best rated for cooler (pinkish) skin toned ladies, though I'm sure a darker/warmer skin tone could totally rock the colors in this palette just as hard. It's just, all around, the most perfect neutral palette I've ever come across.)

Naked 3
(Naked 3 has been referred to as the "Xbox One" of the woman world. It's like this holy grail of pinky/rose gold shadows that create a ton of really pretty, girly looks. There are also a lot of darker, more sophisticated hues mixed in with the dainty, pinky colors as well, so there is quite a bit of versatility. I love this palette. It looks phenomenal with my skin tone, but I do feel there is a little bit more of a limit on the options and looks you can create. Maybe I am just new to the scene and don't know what I'm doing, but I feel like every look I create is just another "pinkish" look. Totally recommend it, though. There are tons of beautiful sparkly and matte colors in this palette and it is just as timeless as Naked 2, in my opinion.)

Urban Decay eye primer potion in "Original" and "Greed"
(I had never used a primer for my eyeshadow in the past and, with my Naked 2, my husband bought a duo pack of primer potion that included the two different primers, "Original" and "Greed". Original is perfect and I will buy stocking up on this for the rest of eternity, I'm sure of it. It's just a lovely, buttery base for my lovely, buttery eye shadows! It has no color to it, so it's basically like a translucent base coat, but I still feel like the shadow sticks really well and has a ton of pigmentation when I use it. My eyeshadow stays all day with no creasing or greasiness and I just adore it. "Greed" is just a shimmery gold primer that has some pros and cons. Pros: I love what it does for the shimmery eye shadows, it blends SO well with them and makes my lids so wonderfully pigmented and rich, but the con is that if you use it up on your brow bone, you totally risk looking like a drag queen. I made that mistake. So, I've been using original from my crease up to my brow bone to make for a really neutral base for my light brow bone color, and then using "Greed" on just my lid to help with the glitzy pigmentation. It's like my secret weapon. I love it.)

Nars blush in "Orgasm"
(So, the name is totally awkward, but it's this perfectly creamy, easily-blendable natural flushed pink blush. I've always used cheap-o blush and never realized what I was missing until now. It has a little bit of iridescence, so it does give a little bit of a "dewy" look if you apply quite a bit of it, but I've always used a very, very minimal amount of blush, so I haven't noticed too much of a heavy, shiny look to it. It's beautiful and girly and I'm stoked about this purchase!)

Butter London nail polishes in "Branwen's Feather" and "LA Moss"
(I was introduced to Butter London nail polish through Instagram and spent a lot of time pouring over the colors at Ulta and fell in love with the deep, dark, vampy colors. Anyone who knows me know that I'm typically not a pink, girly, frilly person, so it makes sense that my nail polish preferences would lean more toward the "dark side" (totally a Star Wars reference). These are great. I mean, I'm not a nail polish expert, but these are easy to apply and after two coats, look completely opaque. They dry quickly and stay on for quite a long time (with base and top coats, obviously). I love both colors, but I have to say that I lean a little more toward liking "Branwen's Feather" just a hair more. I can't wait to add more Butter London colors to my collection!)

MAC lipstick in "Modesty"
(Okay, so I am obsessed with MAC. "Hello, my name is Amanda, and I am addicted to MAC Cosmetics." No, but in seriousness, I love this lipstick. I'm slightly intimidated by lipsticks, to be honest. I totally want to rock a red lip and a deep plum lip, but I am always afraid I'll look a bit like a clown or drag queen, so I've read tips to start with something a little bit more like a "your lips, but better" color. So, Ta-da! "Modesty". It's creamy, rich, and comfortable. It doesn't feel sticky and I usually forget I'm even wearing lipstick! It smells like a dream. Like a sugary, marshmallowy dream. It's a perfectly "nudey" pink. It's a bit darker than my regular lip color, but it looks so natural, I don't feel strange wearing it 24/7. I'm starting to feel a little more comfortable about lip color, so I think my next purchase will either be another nice "your lips, but better" color...or maybe I will just go all out and reach for a rich plumy color the next time I'm at MAC. We'll see.)

I've found a new love/hobby in makeup and have been like a crazed addict watching youtube reviews and tutorials, formulating what I'd like to spend my $75 in MAC gift cards on. So, that's been fun.

I might start posting a bit more about makeup mixed in with my motherhood posts, because seriously...what mom doesn't like to pamper herself every now and then? I've always been great at picking apart restaurants and coffee shops because my husband and I have spent a great deal of time learning about, tasting, and cooking different dishes/coffee, so I think my tendency to "over-learn" and "over-do" things could prove to be really helpful when reviewing products I pick up along the way on this new "cosmetic journey" of mine.

Now, I'm wrapping this not-so-interesting, not-so-introspective post up so that I can get a proper New Years Eve post rolling. Hope this post was at least a little insightful!

Cheers.

Growing Pains.

I feel God in everything, but I really see His face and hear His voice when I look into the faces of my miraculous children. I could sing His praises all day for the rest of my days, thanking him for allowing me to be "mommy" to these two amazing boys.

“Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did - that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that - a parent's heart bared, beating forever outside its chest.” 
― Debra Ginsberg

Within the spaces of my heart, filled with immeasurable love, also lies a great sorrow as I think of my children growing and eventually leaving. Each new season brings so much joy and so much struggle. The last 6 years or so have changed me more than I could ever measure.

Growing pains. That's really the theme of my life, it seems. When my family grew to include my husband's family, it was painful, messy, and at times even internally violent. I didn't (and don't) like sharing my loved ones and my time with them. I selfishly clung to this past life that I had before marriage, unwilling to meet the eyes of these new people that I was now expected to spend holidays with, and eventually...share my children with.

Now, almost five years after becoming my husband's bride, I still have growing pains. In-laws are hard. Breaking tradition, forging your own, and keeping a family in-tact is delicate, difficult, and painful work. And...I know I'm not the only one that experienced the growing pains when I entered the family, so...it's a push and pull. We'll get there. This is but a season of growing pains that will eventually settle, mellow, and change from a fragile sapling to a matured and sturdy great white oak.

The same pains of growth can be found within the four walls of our warm, family home as well. As Oliver grows, my heart feels these strange and wild emotions, bordering grief and mourning and sheer excitement. I cannot wait to watch him grow, to run, to transform into this strong, unique person, but a huge part of me clings to the years spent snuggling beneath blankets, teaching him the simplest words, and kissing his sleeping face as his entirety relaxes into me--his safe haven, his strong fortress, his everything.

We'll be fine; it's always fine. We will find a balance in all things: familial relationships, traditions, and knowing when to hold on and when to let go of each stage of our children's lives. They are all relevant and intertwined. We learn when to push and when to let go when our children are going on five...and 25. It's this quiet, internal (but sometimes loud and boisterous) feral dance we all take part in. We thrash around, feeling joy and feeling pain, holding onto the past and reaching for the future.

And...although it hurts more than I can imagine, I'm glad that this life is mine. I'm glad these pains are my own. I get to be a part of something so huge, so magnificently great. I can't wait to feel these deep pains and joy all over again with my dear Dexter William as well.

Cheers.

Short & Sweet.

In an attempt to keep this bloggy ball rolling, I'm forcing myself to do more than my average novel-long posts. I'm really going to try to just update as often as I can (or as often as the littles will allow me, I should say). I pre-apologize if this post is all over the place and painfully boring. I'm rusty. So, here goes...

We are getting over a vast sea of illnesses after illnesses. We've had colds three different times already this Fall and Oliver, the poor bunny, ended up with a stomach bug on top of it all. Our laundry has piled up, the floors need a good scrub down, and don't even get me started on the state of our bathrooms. I can't give my all to everything, so I have been forced to make choices, and of course...snuggles trump scrubbing toilets.

With that said, we are planning on getting the house sorted this weekend and we are (gasp) going to decorate and set up the Christmas tree. Typically, we are the after-Thanksgiving-setter-uppers (not by my choosing, however) because obviously there can't be Christmas without the annual binge-fest that comes before it. However, this year, I am just really unsure of how long the tree will actually get to stand without grabby little baby mitts tearing at its prickly base. We are still strategizing. Plus, it was the husband's idea to set it up early this year! Music to a crazed early carol-singing, early cookie-making breaks-out-her-Christmas-sweaters-a-bit-too-soon mom's ears.

The holidays are my jam. I mean, big time. Baking, decorating, Christmas music, presents, twinkling lights. If it's wrapped in tinsel, wrapped with a bow, peppermint-flavored, or humming some over-played Christmas carol...I'm there. This year, we get to do the whole shebang with two babes. (I may already be going a little overboard on the 'wish lists' for the kiddos, but shhh, don't tell. It's Christmas)

So, here's to hoping that we are healthy and peppy for the yearly over-stuffing, over-buying, and over-glitzing. I hope that your "pre-holidays" are filled with the good stuff.

Cheers.

Contentment and Being a Mum.

It's been a while since I've posted (yes, again). Sick kiddos and The Vampire Diaries took precedence over timely blog posts. No, really, though...I've watched a sickeningly outrageous amount of The Vampire Diaries. I feel no shame. And...let's be honest: these blog posts take a great deal of time, energy, and creative juice, so I'm not one to force the "good stuff".

So, I guess since I've created a void in time and haven't spoken about anything lately, this post might contain many different trains of thought that might muddle together and sound like the ramblings of a lunatic. So, buckle up--hopefully this isn't too much of a train wreck. (Also, I wanted an excuse to share the unbelievably beautiful photos from our family session with Amie Hansen, so...there.)

Some thoughts that have been overflowing the spaces of my mind lately are that of two things, really: contentment and motherhood. Andrew and I have been spending a few weeks pouring over our budget and trying to reign in our spending and beginning to actually save for things we want, which is foreign soil to us. It's been a frustrating and rewarding battle so far. We are learning where our priorities truly rest and how to take hold of life and steer the best we can, placing stress on the things that matter and letting loose some slack on those that don't.

With that said, I am being taught a very profound lesson in contentment. Not allowing myself to splurge on everything and anything I want has taught me to cherish the things I save for and the things I already have. For instance, I am currently saving for a silk ring sling. I've been drooling over the Luxe slings for months and months, but after many heated conversations with myself, I've decided that a simple (possibly an essential?) silk is what we can afford right now and I am so close to having enough to purchase one. And that, my friends, is crazy exciting. I have a feeling it will be well worth the wait.

Instead of browsing pages upon pages of clothes, makeup, accessories, home decor, what have you...I have been making it a point to take a step back, breathe in my moments deeply, and focus on the insurmountable mountain of blessings that is already laid out in front of me. The sun rises and warms my face, the night brings rest, and the air brings peace. When I start to feel sorry for myself, or start to convince myself that I am in great need for some material 'thing', I cling to God's promises over my life. I am so blessed and am in want and need for nothing. My family stirs and awakens to a warm home where I can quietly prepare a breakfast fit for a king when others far away cry out in pain for mere crumbs from our plates.

My cup overfloweth with laughter, joy, and love. I can lay my head down each night with the love of my life resting his next to mine knowing full well that Jesus has his arms wrapped tightly around our slumbering children and around us as well. Our bills get paid, our mouths get fed, and we have more than enough, friends.

I'm training myself to dig down to that place of contentment where I don't need to have the best of the best, where I stop comparing my life to the life of strangers on the internet and people I speak to on a regular basis. My struggles are no one's but my own, our life is as unique as the hardships and high-points within it. I'm learning to shrug off the negativity of judgement from the world that surrounds the bubble that is our family. With contentment and paving our own path comes the ability to know that we are human and we are figuring this out, and not allowing the harshness of others and their views to cripple us.

Lately, as I've been soul-searching and digging into these deep spaces in my heart and rewiring my brain, I've also brought to light a lot of empowering truths. How we spend (or don't spend) our money and what things are placed high as priorities are just as unique as the people who assign them. Meaning, I might value afternoons and evenings at home, wrapped in the warmth of my family, having the ability to have my husband be home to be the father that he wants (and I want him) to be over a hefty number in my bank account. This is true with motherhood as well.

Just because I choose to stay home full-time, does not mean that I 'lose myself in my children'. It also does not mean that I have any right (nor desire) to judge the mothers who have to work. Our paths are all imperfect, winding, jagged, and often times...just what we need them to be. Our passions become our priorities, and how we choose to spend money, how to parent, how to interact, etc. become so very evident in who we are and are our choices and ours alone.

You don't have to re-write history, but you don't have to follow in your mother's/friend's/sister's exact footprints as you venture down the road of motherhood/adulthood. Wouldn't it be just so boring if all of our stories were the exact same? With that said, I believe deeply that each mum deserves the chance to mother in her own, unique way. She deserves to be praised and loved and encouraged, not trampled on, judged, and looked down upon. We take pieces from the pages of our parents' book of life lessons and we mold them and change them and sprinkle some cussing glitter on them, because darn it...these are our stories, our children, and our lives.
So, let's quit pushing and start lifting. Lifting each other up, empowering each other, and move forward knowing that our priorities are our priorities. You will spend your money how you see fit, and I will do the same. You will feed your child organic, free-range beef while that mother over there smuggles fruit loops to hers.

Let's just be content in our own lives, mamas. We are blessed beyond reason and this is our time to set our feet firmly on our beautifully unique path down motherhood and run like hell. Take hold, let go. Dance wildly, sit calmly. It's your choice. Feel empowered. We are all doing a fine, fine job.

Cheers, lovelies.

Friday.

The first bit of alone-time I've truly seen today, so I'm doing what I know aids my soul. Cold nights with the windows cracked, allowing for the gentle sound of midwest winds rushing through drying leaves on lumbering, lethargic trees. Dim evening light, the quiet murmuring of my older child playing, and a hushed baby snoozing in the middle of a stark white bed. Friday is a cruel, callous, and unfeeling attacker that moves slowly, dragging its heels through the wet ink of our family pages. And it's only a matter of time until this stillness is interrupted by soft baby whimpers from the next room.

Andrew's second job is a necessary evil, but I can't help but despise Fridays because of it.

But the sluggish nature of these days allows for a glimmer of magic. Fridays are quiet, warm, and full of deliciousness. Books are laid out in a methodical order in which to read, movies are abundant, and warm drinks are a definite. I rub noses with the little's nose and again with a nose even littler. I doodle, snuggle, dance, and fill the tummies of my children with comfort food. Both children.

Although my heart misses Andrew on the long days, and I sometimes long for the hustle and bustle of Friday nights, I think I hear the baby cooing, the kettle is whistling, begging to be poured over some delicious tea, and I think I hear Netflix calling to me to snuggle up and start watching Glee (what can I say? I guess I'm a trend-follower). Now if you will excuse me...

Cheers.