12/52

Look at me with my bad self. Not falling too incredibly far behind!

I don't have anything witty to write about, no new developments. I've had a few moments in the last week that have danced across my heart strings and made me realize how blessed I truly am.

My husband.

My husband is the kindest, most sincere, most beautiful soul I've ever come across in my 24 years and I couldn't be luckier to be raising two wild things with such a bleeding heart family-man. He works so hard for me to stay home and sometimes I take advantage of it.

He stays up late watching our favorite shows and chatting with me because he knows that I crave and need the attention and conversation. I need someone to eat junk food and drink beer with long after the kids have fallen asleep, and he does it...half-asleep some nights after getting up at 4:30am to put in his time as a working stiff.

He comes home and changes soiled diapers, fixes broken Lego fortresses, makes dinner, and gives us his all despite his exhaustion.

He is the greatest person I know...and I love him more than words in this window could ever convey.

He's given me two perfect, beautiful little boys and he holds the weight of our family and our financial and emotional needs on his shoulders. He is the man I hope my sons will grow up to mirror.

And after all the years pass and his laugh lines turn to wrinkles, his sandy hair slowly grays and disappears, and we've reached the end of our journey, after walking, running, and sometimes dragging ourselves through it all, I know that he will always be my greatest decision, my very best friend, my heart, my whole, entire heart. And our sons will be so lucky to have such a loving, selfless, strong father to lead them and love them.

And I will be the luckiest wife. And he will love every wrinkle, every curve, every scar on my worn, aged body. We're in this together. God has blessed me with this man. More than I will ever, ever deserve.

P.S. I have a post coming (probably tomorrow if I am feeling especially ambitious) about Dexter turning 10 months. The strangest and most exciting feeling ever.

Cheers to another week xx

11/52

So, I like to pair my weekly 52 project posts with thoughts on life and motherhood, and since I failed miserably with posting my last post in a timely matter, I'm gonna try to include some 'meat' this week.

Something I've learned in my 24 short years of living is how to make decisions for myself, to not let people and their expectations of me define in which direction I place my next foot as I walk timidly, following the herd. I can break free, sprinting away from the expectations, proclaiming self-worth! I've spent my whole life pleasing people, or at least trying to. Failing miserably almost the entire way. I always wanted to be skinny enough, pretty enough, clever enough, funny enough, etc. etc. I bowed my head and kissed the feet of my friends despite how frequently they spat in my face regardless of how much effort I put forth. I tried to like things my friends liked, say the things my friends said. I've spent so many years exhausted, trying so desperately to keep the peace, to be likable, to make everyone happy.

I'm so beyond done with that.

Today, I realize the importance of my internal peace. I realize the importance of standing up for myself and my passions, for standing up for the things I love and the things that bring me joy, despite ruffling some feathers. I'm a feather-ruffler these days and I've never felt more peace because of it. I realize the internal turmoil, the discord caused in marriages, relationships, and self when we let others dictate our every move.

I'm here to tell you, if you are struggling with this, that you are allowed to say "No".

I can't tell you how many times I've said "Yes" when my heart was screaming "No!", how many times I smiled and nodded when everything inside of me wanted to pounce up on the nearest table and beat my chest, proclaiming the wrongness of what was being said or bellowing "My opinions and feelings matter too!". So often people just hunker down, put their head low, and agree. There is a storm inside of them, begging for an escape.

I reached a point in my life not long ago when my storm erupted. A lot of people witnessed the aftermath of that storm, the wreckage. For once, I put my feelings over the feelings of everyone around me, and although I ruffled some feathers (or savagely ripped them away from the flesh), I found this amazing satisfaction, this voice I never knew I even had.

At the end of the day, I will do what benefits myself and my family even if it means disappointing and sometimes, yes, hurting other people that expect too much from me or from my family. I will say "No" if my heart needs it, if my body needs the rest, if my brain needs the break. I will burst through the barriers and let my voice be heard if the well-being of my heart and the well-being of my family is at stake. Even if I just want to do things a little differently than what is being asked of me, the truth is...I am more than able to forge my own way, make my own path, and say "No". My time with my littles and with my husband are fleeting and paramount. My time is important. Never again will I just put my head down and obey. I only get one chance to enjoy these short years with these people I love and I'm not going to live it out in inner-turmoil and pain. Here's to standing up for ourselves, our families, and the importance of our time, spent on self-betterment and the betterment of our family's peace and joy. Here's to loving ourselves, doing what we love, being good humans, but not spineless ones. Here's to happiness!

Ruffle some feathers if you have to.

(Also, it snowed today. Like, a lot. Hello, Spring?)

ISO 100, f1.6, 1/1000

ISO 500, f1.4, 1/400

10/52

So, I'm late with this. Like way late. But better late than never! These are not crazy exciting, but they are real life bed-head and lazy days spent inside. Plus, I just wanted to try out the 35mm for a single subject portrait. My next post will be much more worthwhile, but in the meantime...

Cheers.

Wander.

Andrew just scurried off with the children on a chocolate milkshake run. Yes, at 9:30pm. I have approximately 10 minutes of silence. No Pokemon blaring on the television, no whining at my ankles, no chatter. My brain feels like its buzzing, like the silence is so foreign, my mind has to break the quiet to make its own noise to fill it back up. My temples ache and there is a continual vibrato in my skull. But it's quiet. And I can think in calm, open spaces. So, here I am.

I have a head cold for the 50th time this year. It's probably because I get far less sleep than I used to. Partly because of a frequent nighttime-waker and partly because Andrew and I willingly stay up late watching episodes of our favorite shows on Netflix. Either way, my body hasn't caught up with everything my mind thinks it needs to do. It's okay, though, because...It was almost 60 degrees today. Spring is on the way and there will be no need for sleep. Okay, maybe a little need. But we'll be up to our earlobes in fantastic adventures and outdoor exploration.

We went on a walk down by the river today, soaking in this beautiful, overcast day. Tomorrow the forecast is snow. Again. But at least we had today.

Today where Oliver ran ahead of us, scouring his surroundings for pebbles to launch into the flowing river below, capped with frothy, milky ice fluff. Today where Dexter's eyes were never wider and his voice was never quieter. Where he explored and experienced and witnessed. Today where we breathed fresh, non-recycled air deeply into our lungs, briskly walking through wet, muddy patches of earth, eyes darting everywhere and anywhere...as long as they weren't fixated on those same tan walls we've stared at inside our home the last six months or so. Andrew ran with Oliver. They raced and laughed. They breathed heavily from the sporadic, much-needed bursts of pure energy. Dexter and I watched and wandered and skipped. He sunk his chilly cheek into my chest, eyes still wide, filled with light and excitement, and I kissed him and remembered the first summer Oliver got to explore through the grass and feel the warm summer sun kiss his alabaster cheeks. Dexter will get to be wild and free this summer and he will get to bask in the heat and know the smell of campfire and lake water, the feel of cold pool water and summer sun. Today was a mere dribble, a small taste of how sweet this summer is going to be for we Fritzes, and I can't wait. I just can't wait.

Cheers.

The Butterfly House.

So, to expand on both boys feeling better, I decided to take the boys to the Butterfly House with Grandma for a day of restoration, relaxation, and general well-being. I needed to see the color green, to feel the warm, humid air, and pretend like it wasn't -9 last night. After being cooped up for almost three weeks now, with one person after the other falling ill, Oliver, then Dexter, then me, then Andrew, then Oliver and Dexter all over again, I decided to put on some makeup, do my hair for once, and do something.

To say it was needed would be an understatement. Oliver was so excited to see the all of the fish and stingrays is in the aquarium and wander around the butterfly house, pretending to be a troll under the bridge, marveling at the baby quail, and watching butterflies gingerly land on his sleeves. It was Dexter's first visit to the butterfly house, and his first real chance to touch and explore foliage and hints of springtime and summer as he was so small last year. There was so much wonder in both of their faces, and my heart was just totally peaceful. I wish we could live somewhere that looks and feels like the butterfly house year-round. I'm ready for this blasted snow to melt.

Anyway, here is the over-share of our adventure.

Cheers xx