Something I've learned in my 24 short years of living is how to make decisions for myself, to not let people and their expectations of me define in which direction I place my next foot as I walk timidly, following the herd. I can break free, sprinting away from the expectations, proclaiming self-worth! I've spent my whole life pleasing people, or at least trying to. Failing miserably almost the entire way. I always wanted to be skinny enough, pretty enough, clever enough, funny enough, etc. etc. I bowed my head and kissed the feet of my friends despite how frequently they spat in my face regardless of how much effort I put forth. I tried to like things my friends liked, say the things my friends said. I've spent so many years exhausted, trying so desperately to keep the peace, to be likable, to make everyone happy.
I'm so beyond done with that.
Today, I realize the importance of my internal peace. I realize the importance of standing up for myself and my passions, for standing up for the things I love and the things that bring me joy, despite ruffling some feathers. I'm a feather-ruffler these days and I've never felt more peace because of it. I realize the internal turmoil, the discord caused in marriages, relationships, and self when we let others dictate our every move.
I'm here to tell you, if you are struggling with this, that you are allowed to say "No".
I can't tell you how many times I've said "Yes" when my heart was screaming "No!", how many times I smiled and nodded when everything inside of me wanted to pounce up on the nearest table and beat my chest, proclaiming the wrongness of what was being said or bellowing "My opinions and feelings matter too!". So often people just hunker down, put their head low, and agree. There is a storm inside of them, begging for an escape.
I reached a point in my life not long ago when my storm erupted. A lot of people witnessed the aftermath of that storm, the wreckage. For once, I put my feelings over the feelings of everyone around me, and although I ruffled some feathers (or savagely ripped them away from the flesh), I found this amazing satisfaction, this voice I never knew I even had.
At the end of the day, I will do what benefits myself and my family even if it means disappointing and sometimes, yes, hurting other people that expect too much from me or from my family. I will say "No" if my heart needs it, if my body needs the rest, if my brain needs the break. I will burst through the barriers and let my voice be heard if the well-being of my heart and the well-being of my family is at stake. Even if I just want to do things a little differently than what is being asked of me, the truth is...I am more than able to forge my own way, make my own path, and say "No". My time with my littles and with my husband are fleeting and paramount. My time is important. Never again will I just put my head down and obey. I only get one chance to enjoy these short years with these people I love and I'm not going to live it out in inner-turmoil and pain. Here's to standing up for ourselves, our families, and the importance of our time, spent on self-betterment and the betterment of our family's peace and joy. Here's to loving ourselves, doing what we love, being good humans, but not spineless ones. Here's to happiness!
Ruffle some feathers if you have to.
(Also, it snowed today. Like, a lot. Hello, Spring?)
ISO 100, f1.6, 1/1000
ISO 500, f1.4, 1/400
No comments:
Post a Comment