I've never been one to stick with anything. I've always thrown the towel in on every task, project, class, group, club, sport I've ever tried.
You know the saying "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."? Well, when the stars don't align and a choir of angels doesn't descend, singing the praises of my work, I get frustrated. So, often I look through the work of my favorite photographers, nudging my husband, saying "See! This is what I wish my photography looked like! Look how effortlessly raw and emotive these images are! If only I had this lens or that body, I could be successful in my endeavors.". And...maybe I will never take photos as beautiful as this photographer or that photographer, and even though the quitter inside of me screams at me to put down the camera, go to the kitchen, and pour myself some wine (a quart jar full), I push on.
Being a wife and a mom are the two tasks at the forefront of my mind that I never consider giving up on. I know that, even on my hardest days, being a mom is my life's calling. I feel it in every fiber of my being--every quake of gut-laughter, every kiss, every snuggle, every heartache, and every tear I've wiped from their plump, pink cheeks. Before I was a mom, I thought I was destined to always wander, to always start and eventually quit every single thing I ever started. I thought I'd spend my days wondering who I was, what my direction would be, where my passion would lie. When the quiet room filled with the charge of Oliver's first cry, my heart combusted and settled gently all at once. The stars aligned, for once in my life.
And...even though photography makes me want to scream and cry and throw a great fit, it is a perfect secondary to my first priority, because...my greatest subjects are my little hearts do evoke emotions. Our moments are raw and authentic. And...although I'm always learning and growing in the world of photography, I know that each click of my shutter, each "failed" attempt at capturing images in the way that I so desperately strive to are complete successes. Because our life is imperfect, a learning experience, a journey, a winding road. I won't look back at these images and think "Well, if I'd have shifted so that the light was coming from here..." or "If only I had invested in a better lens..." or "I wish this one had a little more of a 'film quality'...". I will say "I'm so thankful I used my camera to the best of my ability to capture my growing boys just as I saw them in that moment.". After all, isn't that the point? To capture fragments of time to remember and adore?
And maybe I will feel a little more motivated to break out the camera a little more often, instead of using my phone to snap quick, quirky Instagram photos. Maybe as these weeks go by, my work will transform as a result of my dedication. Maybe one day I will be one of those photographers whose work evokes raw emotion and a drive to improve and maybe one day my work will look exactly like I've always dreamed it would, but the only way to get there is to not quit for once in my life.
So, here's to another week of forgetting to take photos until the very last second, to improvement, to real life, to pushing forward.
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ISO 400, f1.4, 1/500
ISO 400, f1.4, 1/250
ISO 400, f1.4, 1/500
ISO 400, f1.4, 1/250
Wow! I loved every bit of your post, Amanda. Thank you for being so real, and you inspire--even by sharing about your uninspired feelings with us. I really admire your writing style and ability to paint pictures with your words and capture them with your camera. You have an adorable family, and I would love to see more of you.
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