Wander.

Andrew just scurried off with the children on a chocolate milkshake run. Yes, at 9:30pm. I have approximately 10 minutes of silence. No Pokemon blaring on the television, no whining at my ankles, no chatter. My brain feels like its buzzing, like the silence is so foreign, my mind has to break the quiet to make its own noise to fill it back up. My temples ache and there is a continual vibrato in my skull. But it's quiet. And I can think in calm, open spaces. So, here I am.

I have a head cold for the 50th time this year. It's probably because I get far less sleep than I used to. Partly because of a frequent nighttime-waker and partly because Andrew and I willingly stay up late watching episodes of our favorite shows on Netflix. Either way, my body hasn't caught up with everything my mind thinks it needs to do. It's okay, though, because...It was almost 60 degrees today. Spring is on the way and there will be no need for sleep. Okay, maybe a little need. But we'll be up to our earlobes in fantastic adventures and outdoor exploration.

We went on a walk down by the river today, soaking in this beautiful, overcast day. Tomorrow the forecast is snow. Again. But at least we had today.

Today where Oliver ran ahead of us, scouring his surroundings for pebbles to launch into the flowing river below, capped with frothy, milky ice fluff. Today where Dexter's eyes were never wider and his voice was never quieter. Where he explored and experienced and witnessed. Today where we breathed fresh, non-recycled air deeply into our lungs, briskly walking through wet, muddy patches of earth, eyes darting everywhere and anywhere...as long as they weren't fixated on those same tan walls we've stared at inside our home the last six months or so. Andrew ran with Oliver. They raced and laughed. They breathed heavily from the sporadic, much-needed bursts of pure energy. Dexter and I watched and wandered and skipped. He sunk his chilly cheek into my chest, eyes still wide, filled with light and excitement, and I kissed him and remembered the first summer Oliver got to explore through the grass and feel the warm summer sun kiss his alabaster cheeks. Dexter will get to be wild and free this summer and he will get to bask in the heat and know the smell of campfire and lake water, the feel of cold pool water and summer sun. Today was a mere dribble, a small taste of how sweet this summer is going to be for we Fritzes, and I can't wait. I just can't wait.

Cheers.

The Butterfly House.

So, to expand on both boys feeling better, I decided to take the boys to the Butterfly House with Grandma for a day of restoration, relaxation, and general well-being. I needed to see the color green, to feel the warm, humid air, and pretend like it wasn't -9 last night. After being cooped up for almost three weeks now, with one person after the other falling ill, Oliver, then Dexter, then me, then Andrew, then Oliver and Dexter all over again, I decided to put on some makeup, do my hair for once, and do something.

To say it was needed would be an understatement. Oliver was so excited to see the all of the fish and stingrays is in the aquarium and wander around the butterfly house, pretending to be a troll under the bridge, marveling at the baby quail, and watching butterflies gingerly land on his sleeves. It was Dexter's first visit to the butterfly house, and his first real chance to touch and explore foliage and hints of springtime and summer as he was so small last year. There was so much wonder in both of their faces, and my heart was just totally peaceful. I wish we could live somewhere that looks and feels like the butterfly house year-round. I'm ready for this blasted snow to melt.

Anyway, here is the over-share of our adventure.

Cheers xx

9/52

Here I am again, posting another last-minute 52 project post. This time I have a legitimate excuse, I promise. We found out Dexter's little cold was actually full-blown RSV at the beginning of this last week, so the last several days have been spent snuggling, nursing, and filling and refilling the humidifier. Dexter has been refusing to fall asleep any other way than being nursed to sleep in our bed, which I love, but it definitely takes time away from daily tasks, but his little body has needed all the milk and rest it could get, so I gladly trapped myself under the sheets with him.

We brought him to the doctor, which we never do, because my mom was really concerned about his cough. I moreso went to appease her and put her at ease, but when the diagnosis came back RSV positive and the doctor started prescribing a steroid and a nebulizer, unwilling (or unable, I'm not certain) to answer in-depth questions about the medicine used in the nebulizer or the why we would really need to use the nebulizer, we decided to talk over our options.

Don't get me wrong, we aren't anti-doctor, and I realize the benefit and necessity of modern medicine, but we have never been ones to blindly feed our kids antibiotics for every illness, or anything else along those lines, so this was no different than any other conversation we've had about our children's health and well-being. We opted out of both the steroids and nebulizer and decided to battle RSV the old-fashioned way. Some things that helped us (and could be useful for any mom or dad with a kiddo battling chest congestion, whether it be a cold or RSV) are:

1. Antimonium Tartaricum (a homeopathic chest congestion treatment that comes in little tablets). We ground 3-4 of the tablets up a few times a day and snuck them into Dexter's food.
2. Cool mist humidifier with 4 or 5 drops of peppermint essential oil. Peppermint is a common cooling, decongesting addition to many natural vapor rubs, and I would say this is one of the biggest things for us. We put the humidifier in whatever room Dexter was in, whether he was in the living room playing or our bedroom napping. The first time we put the peppermint in the humidifier, Dexter slept for 2.5 hours straight in one naptime, which never happens.
3. "Loosen Up". Which is a locally-made (though I'm sure you could find alternatives online or make your own) vapor rub/natural vicks alternative. Its ingredients are beeswax, evoo, essential oils of teatree, peppermint, rosemary, eucalyptus, and vitamin e. It is not recommended to use this right on a baby's skin because eucalyptus can be very strong for smaller children, so I would just dab a bit on my chest before bed and since we co-sleep, Dexter got the benefits of it without having it on his skin or too strong.

4. Probiotics. Probiotics are good all the time, but especially when we're sick, so I snuck powdered probiotics in his food just like I did with the Anti-tart.

5. NoseFrida. Seriously. This thing is a life-saver. One of the main concerns of RSV is it turning into Pneumonia, so to prevent mucous draining into their lungs, it's so important to keep their little noses clear of snot. If you've never heard of the NoseFrida (or if you're like mom and husband), you will think it's gross, but it's so much better than using a bulb aspirator, I promise.
6. Nursing on command. I always do anyway, but if he came over to me and acted the least bit like he wanted to nurse, I let him. I wanted him to have as much breastmilk as he would take while he was sick, and I am a firm believer that breastfeeding is the best thing for sick littles.

And then the obvious things, like plenty of rest, staying home, keeping him bundled, etc. etc. He's doing so much better the last two days because of all of the rigorous action we've been taking and I am so glad we opted out of using the nebulizer and steroids. Our parent-gut told us to attack it naturally, and we are validated in that decision.

We've been taking these same steps (minus the NoseFrida and nursing) for Oliver as he was getting over a cold (possibly RSV) as well. Both boys are 100 times better and we are finally looking forward to warmer temperatures next week after a week/weekend of cold temps and snow. I'm ready to get out of the house more than two times next week just to run to the store quick, and I'm sure Oliver is ready to finally see his friends and burn off some of this pent-up energy.

Here's to continued healing and that both boys (and us) remain on-the-mend with no more illnesses until Spring time! xx

Oh, and one more noteworthy tidbit: Dexter turned nine months old this week!

At the Butterfly House

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Thoughts On Willpower + 8/52

Some thoughts on willpower (or lack there of).

I spend most days in a disheveled two-day-old top-bun and less-than-fresh yoga pants or leggings, balancing big kid things and baby things. Stuck under a breastfeeding babe, my big boy eagerly calls for me to help him fill his water bottle. I, trying to grasp hold of my sanity by thinning wire, bark orders as a wriggling, overly-tired infant moans angrily in my ear. Then, after the long, strenuous day of yelling and quarreling, trying to piece things together, I look at my sleeping five-year-old and whisper pleas of "Don't hate me for how I've acted today. Tomorrow will be a better day." ...And sometimes they are, but sometimes there are lengthy spans of days spent fighting and yelling and shutting down, wishing I felt pretty or strong or...human.

I could lie and say that being a mother of two is a cake-walk, a rewarding and ever-pleasant cake-walk, but the truth is that it's damn near impossible sometimes. I'm exhausted and grouchy and disgusted with myself on the regular, and not just because I sport a greasy mop, four-day-worn maternity leggings (yes, still), or 20 extra pounds of pregnancy weight (yes, still again), but because I almost never feel like the mother I imagined I would be. Despite the fact that my mom is a wonderful mother and my very best friend, as I entered motherhood, I said the same things all new or expecting mothers say: "I'm going to do things differently than my mom did," or "I will be an ever-kind and gentle mom that does crafts and willingly plays with them 24/7." But, I miss the mark on a regular basis, and I beat myself up and vow to make the following day a better one.

I spend a lot of time dreaming of the future, of owning a house, of being healthier, of being happier, of being well-dressed, and being the mother-of-my-dreams. I live in this place of expectancy, shirking my tasks and responsibilities now while fabricating my "ideal" in the vast spaces of my conscious thoughts.

But the truth is that I waste so much time moping and wishing and dreaming that I let beautiful opportunities pass me by. I need to tap into the place in my mind that allows myself grace, but also realizes the importance of healthy life choices to raise myself and my household up. Instead of getting angry at not being able to control each situation, I need to accept things for what they are; realize their beauty and significance...and move on. It's okay that my home doesn't look like something out of a page from Pinterest, or that my boys aren't always dressed in the highest-priced children's clothing, or that my blueberry pancakes don't look like the photo from the recipe. It's okay that I'm still in my maternity clothes for now, but that doesn't mean I can't strive to do better, to be better. And, really, that's what I'm getting at. We all deserve a little grace, to have those moments of weakness where we put our children in front of the TV for hours (or days), to grouch about our appearance, or about our lives not being magazine-quality. However, willpower is what drives us to take those gross moments where we doubt ourselves and the jobs we are doing and reverse it and improve.

I want to be a better mother, so...I need to get off my phone, spend more time playing, less time yelling.
I want to love my home, so...I need to quit comparing it to the homes of others.
I want to love my body and the way I look, so...I need to quit ordering pizza three times a week and start moving.
I want to be a better wife, so...I need to love myself and my life so that my words and actions directly express the state of my heart.
I want to be happy, so...I need to eliminate those thoughts of guilt and disappointment in myself, move forward, and just be happy.

So, here's to some changes around this joint. Here's to me being a better, happier human being so that I can be the mom, wife, self that I want to be.

Cheers.

And as for week 8/52...

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7/52

So, a cold comparable to the plague struck our house this last week. Okay, so maybe that is a little dramatic, but it's been bad. Like...snot-stained shirts, mega fevers, 14 million night-time awakenings, 12 gallons of hot tea and raw honey, non-stop nursing sessions, cough-through-the-night fits...bad. First, it was just the boys, then I fell prey. Now? The husband is sick. It's pretty much been like this for a week and a half. Brutal.

I'm feeling about 80%, however! So, our house is finally starting to look like a house and less like a scene from a post-apocalypse-themed film. Dexter is pretty much back to normal, but Oliver is still battling a wicked cough and a fever that comes and goes.

This week has been the first time this winter that I've actually felt a huge and very real longing for Spring. I mean, I typically whine about the cold and snow around this time of year, but it isn't until you're sick in bed, but still have to get up to take care of two kids that you start to really plead and pray for warmer temperatures. But, God, being the amazing and loving King that He is, totally sent us a few days of 30-50 degree temps. He knows the cry of my heart and brings strength to the weak, that's for sure.

So, anyway. I am way late, but here is week 7/52. Cheers.

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